The Fritzy Files

The Dachshund, Head of Security

My name is Fritzy and I’ve been a dog all my life. I kind of look like a hotdog without the bun, a wiener dog, a Dachshund! I’m a bit like a dictator and the head of dog security here on my farm. I believe I am one of the luckiest dogs on the earth because I get to live with room to run. I am not chained up or live behind a fence like all my other canine relatives that live in the city.

I live with my best friend Shadow, who's a German Shepard. Here on my farm, we have to put up with all these pesky chickens, dirty pigs, smelly sheep, an ornery horse named Smokey as well as those despicable cats that are living on my porch!

Everything was just perfect on my farm, except for one thing, those repulsive cats! These cats are the laziest cats I have ever seen. There are all sorts of field mice and rats they can eat here on the farm, but no! They would rather lounge around on the porch and wait for someone to feed them so they can get nice and fat.

Now, I’ve been informed by one of the cats named Scary. That our owners are actually raising all these cats on the farm to make the dog food we love so much to eat. Scary got that name the day he decided to fall asleep on that hot car tire. When the owner of the car drove off. This propelled Scary over the tire into the bumper then slitting his upper left lip up to his eye. Now he kind of looks like a pirate without the patch; he was just so scary to look at! I always thought that I could taste a hint of cat hairball in our dog food.

These repulsive farm cats are always trying to get in my house. When the main porch door was opened, half of those heinous cats would attempt to get in by jumping into action, only to be left hanging on the screen door. Then when the screen door was opened two or three of these cats would run into the house, down the stairs and hide in the basement like cowards, for a few days or until they got hungry. It was like these nauseating cats had free hall passes to go into my house, whenever they wanted.

Then one day in early spring, I noticed that the evil snag a tooth tabby cat named Tuna was starting to get fat really fast. Tuna got her name when she got stuck in an ice chest that was full of stinky tuna for a whole day. Oh, when that crusty cat came out of the ice chest she had this nauseating rotten tuna smell you could smell for miles. All the male cats at this point stayed away and avoided her weeks; it was like she had the plague.

I asked Tuna "Why are you getting so fat".

Tuna replied, "I'm pregnant you dumb ass, I am going to have a litter of kittens in a few weeks"!

I then replied, "Oh what joy, a litter of kittens, who's the lucky father".

Tuna paused and said, "Ah, I really don't remember, I think it might have been Boots when he slipped that rufie in my cat bowl".

Boots got his nickname, when he was out hunting field mice and got his left front boot paw cut off trying to outrun a Combine.

Tuna continued: "Or was it, when all those male cats got together and violated me when they knocked me up in the barn brothel".

So I then replied back, "You harlot, why didn't you go to the free clinic and get spayed? You’re overcrowding my porch"!

Then a few a weeks later that slut Tuna finally had her litter of kittens, right on the porch where everyone could see them, it was so nauseating I almost had to vomit!

I then had to question all those male cats on who the father is for all these unpleasant detestable kittens.

"Not me! I wasn't there, I was asleep". They all replied.

I then replied, "Well then, why do they all look like you and have all the same undesirable traits that all you inbreed cats have? You're all guilty of being the father to those little bastards. Don't you have any respect for yourself, how despicable"!

Then Shadow said, “What are we going to do about this dam cat infestation problem.

So I replied, "We are going to do a cat population census count here on the farm!”

So shadow and I calculated and counted 22 of these unwanted deplorable cats. This is when Shadow got very nervous and started shaking.

Then Shadow replied, "Do you think our owners would miss all these rodents by disposing of all 22 of them?”

Then I said, "If they all go missing, they won't be able to feed us any more of that cat hairball tasting dog food that that we love so much".

Then Shadow said, "How about we just chase the cats off the porch and eat all their cat food".

I then replied, " Have you tried to eat that foul smelling carp food that they eat. This will not fix our cat problem, these cats would still find their way back on the porch begging for our table scraps which are rightfully ours, do you want this to happen".

Shadow started shaking his head with displeasure. "No".

Then I said," How about we do a kitty round up and coral all 9 of those dreadful kitties that are hiding on the porch in a box with that slut Tuna".

This is when Shadows got excited and his ears perked up like a jackrabbit.

Shadow then replied, "Oh boy, when do we start?"

Then I replied, "Let's wait till our owners are gone. Then we will be able to surprise them with our goodwill, to all cat kind".

Then the very next day when Shadow and I were left at home to guard the houses while our owners are away.

I then started to go through my anxiety once again and then said to shadow, "It time to jump into action and start up the kitty round up festivities".

Shadows then asked me "What the hell is a kitty round up".

Then I replied, "Follow me Shadow, I’ll teach you how to round up and coral these little varmints. The first thing we will have to do is hunt down one of those little repugnant kittens that are cowardly hiding with their mother. Next, I'll force my nose into that napping box where I will have to endure those foul smelling vomitus kitties. Watch how that evil snag a tooth tabby cat, Tuna starts spitting and swatting at me with disapproval as I remove one of her disgusting kittens out of their napping box. I'm not sure why she disapproves of my special cat skills. Now we can drag them out to our front yard and play with them, where Tuna and all the other cats can watch and see what we do to them. Then I grab them by their delicate little neck and then I gently twist my neck as far to the left as I can, being careful not to hurt that insufferable kitty. Then I can swing my neck as fast as I can to the right. Only to hear that snap, crackle, and then pop. This is when I release that deplorable kitten from my mouth and watch it fly and twirl through the air, three or four times, before hearing a loud thump as they hit the ground".

Then Shadow said, "Hey, that looks like fun, it's my turn now".

Then I replied, "We now have only eight more of these unjustifiable kittens to take care of before our owners get home".

After we had about an hour of fun playing with these baby kitties.

I then said to Shadow, "Now we got to strategically place and organize all these dead kitties in our front yard to make it look like Custer's Last Stand".

To my amazement, I was so proud of myself and sure that my owners will be impressed with my cat policing social skills in depleting these obnoxious little kitties that were overcrowding my porch. I'm sure they'll give us a biscuits and extra helping of table scraps tonight; I can hardly wait with anticipation.

Then a few hours later, I could hear that rattle can school bus as it squeaks and rolls into my driveway. This is when Shadow and I noticed how everyone on the school bus looked and starred in awe. I think they were all impressed on how we displayed and positioned all these dead kitties on my front lawn. Now I was sure everyone on the bus was complementing my owner on our quality work. Then as one of our owners gets off the bus and then we greet him wagging tails in appreciation!

The owner looked down at us with horror and starts pointing his middle finger and yelling at each one of us.

"Which one of you had the atrocity in slaughtering all these little kitties"?

Then I got this terrible this gut feeling like maybe we did something wrong.

“Oops”, I said to myself as my tail stopped wagging. Now he knows who did it. Then I got that guilty look all over my innocent, charming and lovable face.

I then tried to defend myself and said "Hey man, I was only doing my job by balancing out the cat population problem we have. I thought I was doing you a favor by exterminating all those fuzzy varmints that look like rats that were overcrowding my porch".

After that statement I was then prosecuted for cat slaughter and sentenced.

Then my owner surprisingly offers to take me out hunting. I was so excited and jumped in the truck as we went for a ride. Then we found this really good area for us to go hunting. As I jumped out of the truck and then started to sniff out the area, I then looked up and noticed that a double barrel shotgun was pointing at my face and then I heard a loud door slam.

Only to be woken up as the screen door was slammed shut. Then as I lifted my head up and looked around. I could see all the dishonorable cats now staring and laughing as I was having my nightmare. Thank god it was only a dream?

Then I started to count up the cats and came up with only 13 of these blameworthy cats, where did the other 9 go.

Or wasn’t it a dream? “Do, do, do do."

Pygmy and Nigerian Dwarf Goats

Now there are two small animals in my backyard, one is tan the other is brown. They both can grow beards, and they like to eat weeds, but only one will grow horns and the other one will not. You asked yourself what they? They are both goats, one is a Pygmy Goat and the other is a Nigerian Dwarf Goat.

These are two different breeds of goats. The Pygmy Goat is a small miniature goat that is often bred for their meat and the Nigerian Dwarf Goat is often bred for their goat milk. These goats are becoming more popular in cities because they are small and make an excellent family pet for children and adults. There are more cities allowing family’s to have these small farm animals in their backyard as a family pet. These goats have a great appetite for keeping your grass well trimmed as well as reducing those unwanted weeds and blackberries bushes from growing in your yard. These hardy goats will pay their own way at containing and depleting brush in heavy wooded areas. They will eat just about anything that is growing in your yard. They may be small and similar in size but have interesting personalities as you get to know them.

The female Pygmy Goat is called a nannie or a doe and is more docile, friendly and they love their group mates. The nannie Pygmy Goat can also grow horns like the male but they tend to be shorter. These horns are used to establish the pecking order at the feed trough as well as protect their young when they get older. The females are more docile and friendly than the male pygmy goat; an unneutered male is called a Billy.

The Nigerian female dwarf goats are just as docile as Pygmy females, but they smell better and make great pets as well. When a Doe gets pregnant it takes about 151 days after conception for them to have a kid goat. Usually, a single kid or twins are born, but triplets are not unheard of. The kids are born fully covered with hair and are able to walk after a few shaky minutes. Within hours they are full of energy and race around the pasture, skipping and jumping as their momma grazes nearby. When these kids are young they drink milk from their mother's udder as they grow. These Kids can be weaned when they are about 8 weeks old. While the Nigerian nanny is still producing milk, you can milk the goat for the highly desirable goat milk to feed your whole family for many months to come.

These young Nigerian and Pygmy goats are often called kids. They often like to jump on their mother's back and ride around on them for fun. These goats also like to jump on trampolines. A trampoline is all they need in having countless hours of fun while you watch them play and romp around. This is a great way to reduce human stress, have fun and laughs with your whole family.

The young Nigerian and pygmy goats often engage in mock battles by rising up aggressively on their back legs as they run forward, crash and butt heads as they practice for their future battles as they get older and fight for dominance over a herd. Most of the time they just barely touch, but this practice leads to real battles when the Billy male goats get older. As the horns grow longer, they will fight for dominance over the herd. The less dominant Billy will always give up before injury occurs.

The intact or unneutered Nigerian Dwarf and Pygmy goat male will protect the goat heard from dogs and other predators. Lacking another male goat to fight, the billy may find a cow or sheep to play with. Any young trees in the area will also fall victim to the growing horns of the billy as he tears off the bark while sharpening and rubbing his horns. So breeders recommend that these bucks be neutered if they are sold as pets. When the males are neutered they are called wethers and are just as docile as the female.

The Nigerian dwarf goat and the Pygmy goat are known to be hardy, and possess the ability to survive, adapt, and reproduce under harsh conditions and this is believed to be the result of its origins in the harsh African environment. It is believed that coat color and various breed characteristics also provided these goats with unique abilities to survive.

Now I will enjoy having these two new family pet members for many years to come. I can only think of the joy these goats can bring. Like the milk, we can drink and the butter we can make. Or taking the goat for a walk down the street or in the park with this unique animal.

Boarding The USS Blueback SS-581 Submarine

Have you ever wondered what it was like to go aboard a Navy submarine? Well, I did! I went aboard the USS Blueback SS-581 submarine at OMSI in Portland, Oregon. This was an interesting experience for myself to explore, feel and see, what it was like to be in a submerged Navy submarine. The SS-581 Blueback submarine was launched in 1959. She was 219 feet long, with a crew of 85 that had 76 crewmembers, 8 officers, and 1 captain. I could only imagine what it would be like, to be crammed in there like a can sardines for six months or more.

The first thing I had to do before entering the submarine was to crawl through a simulated submarine door hole. This was to verify that I am physically able to crawl through a door hole on the submarine. This entryway door hole is used as an airlock device that has a swinging door on it. This door can be closed in case of an emergency when needing to pressurize a compartment within the sub. The door hole also permits the passage of crewmembers and objects in-between compartments in the submarine.

I then proceeded to walk to the ramp and down to the USS Blueback submarine, which is permanently docked on the Willamette River at OMSI. Then I entered the submarine and climbed down the ladder where this put me in the captain’s quarters. This is a private room is where the captain slept. The room next to it is where the captain and the 8 officer’s meals were prepared as well as where they dined. They also had their officer meetings in this small room.

Next, I walked down the aisle a few feet more and entered the radio and telegraph room where I could hear the sound of a Morse code distress signal ”Beep Beep, Beep…” I then entered the navigation room; this is where they controlled the submarine's buoyancy by filling the outer hull with water to submerge the submarine. The captain yells ”Dive, Dive” with two loud Klaxon sounds “Aooga, Aooga”. This was to prepare the crew and the submarine that it is going to dive as well as ensure all of the outer door hatches are sealed and closed. Then the submarine’s outer hull then fills with water as the submarine submerges to the deep. When the submarine is ready to resurface, the hull will then fill with compressed air, which forces all the water out of the hull and raises the submarine back to the ocean surface. Here in the navigation room, there is also a periscope that the captain uses for locating and aiming torpedoes at ships when the submarine is submerged under water.

Then I climbed down the ladder, now I am in the sonar room where you could hear a “Ping Ping Ping…” This sound helped the sonar technician in identifying other ships in the vicinity and how far away they were from the submarine using these sound waves.

Next, I went into the Latrine and shower area where they were only allowed to take a shower 3 times a week. What is this a prison? I can just imagine how bad things got to smell being submerged for long periods of time under water.

Now I am going into the torpedo room; this is where all the torpedoes are stored and ready to be launch. These torpedoes were the MK-48’s. The characteristics of these torpedoes are a piston engine; pump jet for the propulsion, they are 19 feet long, 21 inches in diameter and had a range greater than 5 miles. When the captain would identify a ship through the periscope to be sunk. The captain would authorize and order the torpedo room to fire a torpedo, he would yell “Fire torpedo 1” from the navigation room. Then in the torpedo room, a crewmember would press the fire button to eject the torpedo from the submarine’s launch tube. Then as the piston engine; pump jet starts up and propels the torpedo, which is aimed at an enemy ship. The torpedo then hits it’s target and explodes sinking the ship.

There was also an emergency escape hatch in the torpedo room for the crewmembers. This is where a crewmember could safely escape the submarine when it is submerged under water. A crewmember would climb into the escape hatch wearing a Steinke hood over his head, which is filled with enough air. Then close the escape hatch door inside the submarine. Next fills the emergency escape compartment full of water. Then the crewmember would open the outer escape hatch door of the submarine where he could escape and rise to the surface safely.

Then I walked through the crews sleeping area. I could hear a loud snoring crewmember sleeping with his feet hanging out of the bunk. The submarine had an issue where there was not enough sleeping room for all the crewmembers to sleep at one time. To accommodate this problem they had 3 different work shifts with an 8-hour sleeping shift for each the crewmembers.

I proceeded down the aisle, which took me into the crew’s quarters where they prepared the crewmembers food and dined. This room could seat 25 crewmembers at a time. The room was a little larger than the captain’s quarters and was also used for meetings and other recreational activities.

Now I am headed down into the engine control room where there are 3 Fairbanks-Morse 38 8-1/8 diesel engines for maintaining the speed of the submarine as it travels on the ocean surface. There are also 2 General Electric motors that also propelled the submarine when it was submerged under water as well during travel.

This was an interesting experience for myself to be able to feel and see what it was like to go aboard and learn about the past history of this decommissioned United States Navy military submarine. This was the last of the Barbel-class diesel–electric propelled attack Navy submarines. The Blueback remained in service until 1990 when it was decommissioned and turned into an exhibit at OMSI in Portland, Oregon.

Pygmy Goat

There is a small animal in my backyard, it is brown, has a beard, likes to eat weeds, has little tiny horns and will play with my dog. I asked myself what is it? It’s a Pygmy Goat!

A Pygmy Goat is a small miniature goat that is often bred for their meat on farms. These goats are becoming more popular in cities because they are small and make an excellent family pet for children and adults. There are more cities allowing family’s to have these small farm animals in their backyard as a family pet. These goats have a great appetite for keeping your grass well trimmed as well as reducing those unwanted weeds and blackberries bushes from growing in your yard. These hardy goats will pay their own way at containing and depleting brush in heavy wooded areas. They will eat just about anything that is growing in your yard. They maybe small, but have interesting personalities as you get to know them. Interacting with these pygmy goats when they play and romp around can be a great way to reduce human stress, have fun and laughs for your whole family.

The female pygmy goat is called a nannie or a doe. A nannie goat can also grow horns like the male but they tend to be shorter. These horns are used to establish the pecking order at the feed trough and used to protect their young when they are older. The females are more docile and friendly than the male pygmy goat, billy an unneutered male. The breeders recommend that these bucks be neutered if they are sold as pets. When the males are neutered they are called wethers and are just as docile as the female. These young pygmy goats are often called kids. These kids like to jump on their mothers back and ride around on them for fun. These goats also like to jump on trampolines and play for fun as well. Young pygmy goats often engage in mock battles by rising up aggressively on their back legs as they run forward, crash and butt heads as they practice for their future battles as they get older and fight for dominance over a herd.

I now can enjoy having this new family pet for many years to come. I can only think of the joy this pygmy goat can bring. Like taking the goat for a walk down the street or in the park and getting the responses from people as you greet them with this unique animal. Even though she might be considered food for some people, this one is only going to be a family pet.

Do Dogs Smile

Do dogs smile? I would like to think so, but they do have expressions on their face under certain situations. Such as fear when they are scared of loud noises like fireworks and guns. They will run, hide and cower with fear. Another is anger and aggression, this is when a dog is abused and treated unfairly. This could be by the owner who treats there dog like a wild animal. This type of dog will often bark, growl and show their teeth in aggression. One of my favorite expressions is guilt. Guilt can be a written all over their face when they have done something wrong like chewing up your furniture as they go through anxiety while you are away. And finally dogs do have a smile with a happy looking face and a wagging tail when you suggest they are going on a walk or when you give them a treat like a biscuit. I am not sure why dogs will do almost anything for a biscuit like the character Snuffles from the old 1960's Hanna-Barbera cartoon series. Try holding a biscuit long enough in front of their face. They will droll with anticipation right in front of you knowing you have something they want. But they do love biscuits!

A dog’s happiness is shown when you treat them with affection by making them a part of your family and letting them know they are loved. Dogs can offer so much as being a friend and companion when you take for a ride in your car as they stick their head out the window as you drive down the road or letting them run on the beach.

Flying Drones

What is a drone? A drone is classified as an unmanned aircraft flown by an operator using a remote control from the ground. Drones can be fun to fly and make great aerial photography. Drones come in all sorts of sizes and models. They can weigh between less than a pound and up to 55 pounds. These flying devices require a license to fly them if the weigh more than 5.5 pounds. The one’s that weigh less than 5.5 pounds are classified as a toy and are not required by law to have a license to operate them. Another feature is that some of these drones come equipped with cameras mounted on them for shooting aerial photography. Drones have many good uses like analyzing areas of destruction wear people are unable to go into or used in real estate to show property from above which can reveals what a neighborhood looks like around the proposed property for sale.

I got interested in drones over the past year so I joined a drone club to get more information on flying these devices. One of the members of the club suggested that I should purchase a low cost toy drone to practice with. This will satisfy your desire to learn fly one. They told me I would crash one sooner or later learning how to fly one. Then in January of 2016 I purchased the Syma X5C-1 drone. This was a low cost drone that I purchased for about 50 dollars on Amazon. This drone weighs less than 1 pound and is fairly safe to fly learning how to fly one. I crashed this one numerous times with out to much damage. After I learned how to fly this drone I upgraded and purchased the Syma X8G. This one is larger, cost a little more than 150 dollars and weighs 5 pounds. This one also does not require a license, is a little more dangerous to fly and hurt someone if you are not careful. This one has an 8-megapixel camera on board that can take fairly nice photography. Having the ability to see things from above can give you a whole different aspect on viewing things you cannot see from the ground. I can only wait to get my professional version next. 

twenty two minus nine

As a child, I grew up living on a farm near Carlton, Oregon. Growing up on a farm I had to deal with a lot of chores, situations and events. We raised all sorts of farm animals on the farm such as horses, sheep, steers, pigs and chickens. There were also the family pets, three dogs and twenty-two cats. This story is about the twenty-two cats and the one of dog's named Fritzy. 

We had a variety of different breeds of cats on the farm. There was a black, grey, yellow and a lots of tabby cats. They all had different traits and personalities. They were always hungry and wanting to come in the house. This is why we had a screen door in front of the main door to prevent the cats from rushing into the house when we opened the door. When we would open the door, half of the cats would jump up on the screen door and hang there attempting to get in. Two or three of them would just lay low and wait for the screen door to open and then run down the stairs and hide in the basement until they got hungry and wanted food or water.  I asked myself where did all these cats come from? Do people drive by our house and drop off their cat and say here’s your new home? That's my best guess where all these cats came from.

Then in one spring, one of the tabby cats had a litter of nine kitties. This is when we had a population of twenty-two cats. As a few months go by and the kittens got older. We had an event on the farm as I was coming home from school on our school bus. The bus would use our looped driveway as a turning point to go back the other direction. When the bus stopped in our driveway to let me off, everybody on the bus and including myself looked right into our front yard with disillusion on what happened. There were nine motionless kitties spread all over the front yard. It looked like the Custer’s last stand. I asked myself who could have done such a horrible thing? Then I saw Fritzy our dachshund with a guilt look on his face. He didn't look so innocent anymore. What he did was grab the small kitties one by one with his teeth by the back of their neck, then swings them in the air breaking their neck. I then had to then go and clean up and remove all the dead kitties from our front yard. Now Fritzy didn’t look so cute and innocent anymore, he’s now a kitty killer.

Even though the dog killed all those kitties, he did our farm a favor. We just had way too many cats living on our front porch. Whether it was one of our pets or a farm animal being raised for food. Living on a farm has many faces of death to deal with. This is why I call this story twenty-two minus nine.